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Random Jokes

The following are quotes picked out from??TV show. Homer, the father character in the cartoon, isn’t known for being particularly witty but we managed to put together some of his best?wisdom over the years. Kinda gives you a whole new respect for the “Doh!” guy.

• “If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
• “To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life’s problems!”
• “I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life: Number one, ‘Cover for me.’ Number two, ‘Oh, good idea, boss.’ Number three, ‘It was like that when I got here.’”
• “Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn’t - it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.”
• “Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”
• “Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. ‘Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.’”
• “Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.”
• “Stealing! How could you? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?
• We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?”
• “Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.”
• “I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, ‘The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.’”
• “Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.”
• “Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”
• “You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.”
• “Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”
• “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ’sir’ without adding, ‘you’re making a scene.’”