Archive for the ‘stupid jokes’ Category

Cruel vandalism

A blonde was driving in her brand new corvette. Two guys pull her over and tell her to get out of the car. They draw a circle and tell her if she moves out of the circle they will kill her.

They immediately begin to destroy her corvette. When they are all finished they find the blonde standing in the circle laughing. Stunned, they wonder why, and ask her.

She replies, “Because while you weren’t looking I stepped out of the circle.

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Damn smokers

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look” she said. “What’s your secret for a long and happy life?” “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day.” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.” “That’s amazing.” the woman said. “How old are you?” “Twenty-six.” he said.

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Dark cloud

A man went to a storefront psychic for some spiritual guidance. The man said, “There’s a horrible dark cloud surrounding me.”

“I know,” said the psychic, “and for a hundred dollars, I can rid you of it.”

The man, eager to be cured, handed over the money. The psychic then pulled out a book of matches and lit one.

The man said, “What do you call this dark and horrible curse?”

The psychic waved the match in front of his butt and said, “Mexican food.”

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Diner Story

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell’s Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, ‘Humph, not much of a man, was he?’ The waitress replied, ‘Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.’

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Dr. Livingstone, NOT

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself ‘Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.’

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: ‘No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.’

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces,

God’s voice booms out again: ‘Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed.’

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