Archive for the ‘school jokes’ Category

Difference

Difference
Q: What’s the difference between a condom and a coffin? A: They both hold stiffs, but one’s coming and one’s going!

THREE IS EQUAL TO FOUR

THREE IS EQUAL TO FOUR
Theorem: 3=4Proof: Suppose:a + b = cThis can also be written as:4a – 3a + 4b – 3b = 4c – 3cAfter reorganizing:4a + 4b – 4c = 3a + 3b – 3cTake the constants out of the brackets:4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)Remove the same term left and right:4 = 3

MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN VENUS – THE TANDEM STORY

MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN VENUS – THE TANDEM STORY
Remember the book “men are from mars, women are from venus”? Well, here’s a prime example offered by an English professor at an American university. In-class assignment for Wednesday “today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.”"The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely no talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:Rebecca – last name deleted, and Gary – last name deleted:”Story: (first paragraph by Rebecca)At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.——————————————————-Meanwhile, advance Sergeant Carl harries, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over skyline 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “As. harries to gestation 17,” he said into his transatlantic communicator. “Polar orbit established. no sign of resistance so far…” but before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.——————————————————-He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of skyline 4. “Congress passes law permanently abolishing war and space travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth – when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman??she wondered wistfully.——————————————————-Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the anu’udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks that pushed the unilateral aerospace disarmament treaty through congress had left earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires that were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the anu’udrian ships were on course for earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The president, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The president slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I抦 going to veto that treaty! Let抯 blow ‘me out of the sky!”——————————————————-This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.——————————————————Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of valium. “Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of f****** tea??? Oh no, I抦 such a air headed bimbo who reads too many mills &Boon novels.”——————————————————-A******.——————————————————-Bitch.——————————————————-Winker.——————————————————-Slut.——————————————————-Get f*****.——————————————————-Eat s***.——————————————————-F*** you – you Neanderthal!!!

KNOWLEDGE PILLS

KNOWLEDGE PILLS
A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.The pharmacist says: “Here’s a pill for English literature.” The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature.”What else do you have?” asks the student. “Well I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.Then the student asks: “Do you have a pill for math?” The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment,” goes back to the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plonks it on the counter.”I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.The pharmacist replies, “Well you know math always was a little hard to swallow.”

BURGER JOINT CONVERSATIONS NATIONWIDE

BURGER JOINT CONVERSATIONS NATIONWIDE
M.I.T.: “I had a nervous breakdown this weekend.”"Have some fries.” Caltech: “I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend.”"Have some fries.”Yale: “I got mugged on the way to class today.”"Have some fries.”Brown: “I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith.”"Cool! Me too! Have some fries.”Swarthmore: “I got a B.”"Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries.”Princeton: “My father took away my Porsche this weekend.”"Poor dear. Have some Escargot.”Harvard: “Did you do anything this weekend?”"Nope. Have some fries.”Williams: “Don’t I know you?”"Of course you do, silly. Have some fries.”Cornell: “I killed my lab partner this weekend.”"Bummer. Have some fries.”Columbia: “I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.”"Me too. Let’s go get shot.”Penn: “I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.”"Me too. Let’s transfer to Columbia.”Stanford: “Dude, I have so much work this weekend.”"Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries.”Dartmouth: “Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend.”"Have some beer.”Tufts: “I wish I were Ivy League.”"Here, drink the fry grease.”