Archive for the ‘One Liner Jokes’ Category

Mr. T Facts

In response to the overwhelming popularity of our and facts, we now give you… dun dun dun… Mr. T Facts.? This dude is bad, but batter than Chuck and Jack? Seems like all the cool kids are getting their own facts, what about us? Eh, at any rate… I pity the fool who reads all of these.

• Mr. T was actually raised by a tribe of wookies living high in the Sierra mountains. They blessed him with the ability to pity fools and taught him their sacred language of Jibba Jabba.
• The first human alphabet consisted of only ‘Mr.’ and ‘T’. Other letters eventually had to be created in order to describe things that were not, in fact, awesome.
• Scientists theorize that Mr. T cannot catch AIDS because his T-cells pity the virus into submission. The study of this phenomenon would lead to an AIDS vaccine; however doctors cannot obtain a blood sample because medical science has been unable to invent a hypodermic needle capable of piercing Mr. T’s skin.
• When cloning technology was first being researched, Mr. T was called in to be a test subject. However, there was a terrible miscalculation and the accident created Booker T.
• Mr. T once pitied a third of Europe. This event is now known as The Black Death.
• Don’t ever call Mr. T, just “T”, somebody did that once, just once…
• Mr. T was really the one responsible for the end of the Cold War. President Reagan sent him over to Russia and upon entering, had so much crunk around his neck, completely destroyed the standard value of gold for those Commie sons of bitches.
• Curious but true: the circumference of Mr. T’s chest divided by the circumference of his biceps equals the number of pounds of gold around his neck. Check for yourself if you don’t believe me.
• Mr. T is the reason your son is black.
• Guns dont kill people, Mr. T kills people.
• Mr. T got all his gold chains during a wild night of flashing his man boobs at Mardi Gras in 1993.
• Mr. T’s trademark phrase “I pity the foo” was in the first copy of the bible. It was later removed because his righteous gold chains were being worshiped as false idols.
• When Mr. T sleeps, he stores his gold chains in a special closet built for this purpose. We know this place as “Fort Knox”.
• The movie “Clash of the Titans” was originally supposed be about an epic battle between Chuck Norris and Mr. T. During the first first scene atop Mt. Vesuvius, however, the volcano could not handle the sheer pressure and erupted, burying the city of Pompeii. Hollywood thus invented Greek civilization. Archeologists, while later excavating Pompeii, were to surprised to uncover a series of large gold chains, including one with a giant T emblem.
• They’ve done studies, you know. Sixty precent of the time, Mr. T pities you all the time.
• Mr. T shot the sheriff and the deputy.
• Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.
• Mr. T never learned to read. Letters learned to accomodate Mr. T’s mind.
• Mr. T and Chuck Norris once decided to fight each other. As both possess infinite strength, time and mass became a non issue. The fight is over, still going on, and yet to begin all at the same time. This evidence is what gave Einstein his big “relativity” idea. While the results of the fight are impossible for anyone to comprehend, let alone know, two things are certain. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked somebody in the face, and Mr. T pitied a fool.
• The last person who touched Mr. T’s gold chains was Helen Keller.
• Earthquakes don’t happen when the plates in the Earth are over-stressed by tectonic forces. They happen when Mr. T has to listen to too much jibba-jabba at once, which makes him angry enough to punch cracks in the Earth felt for hundreds of miles.
• Mr. T plays ping pong with a medicine ball.
• Mr. T was asked to be a consultant during the filming of Rocky IV. Upon his arrival he immediately punched Dolph Lundgren in the face for offering a handshake. When the producer asked why he would do such a thing, he picked the man up, lit his head on fire and smoked him. The director was reportedly Cuban.
• Mr T. once pitied so many fools at once that just thinking about the amount of fools he pitied causes you to be automatically pitied.
• Mr T once got an erection on a crowded train with beautiful women… they will be missed.
• April 1st became known as “April Fool’s Day” only after Mr. T decided it would be easier to pity a whole bunch of fools on a set date rather than pitying a few fools each day.
• Mr. T singlehandedly canceled “Friends” by frowning one time.
• Mr. T’s dad once made him play Kiddie-Ball when he was little. The first time he was up to bat he hit a homer. They renamed it T-Ball in his honor.
• Mr. T once had a staring contest with a statue and won.
• Richard Simmons is Vin Diesel, after being pitied by Mr. T.
• Mr. T has such a strong understanding of the English language that he can use the word “pity” as a preposition, adverb and a conjunction in a single sentence.
• Mr. T doesn’t lift weights because it infers that he has limits to his strength.
• Mr. T’s sweat can be used to purify gold. In addition, he doesn’t buy gold… it grows from his neck.
• At first President Bush wanted to invade the A-Team’s van. They had intel that Murdock was hiding WMDs. When Bush heard a rumor that it was MR. T’s Pity. He decided it would be safer to go after Iraq.
• In 1982 while working as a bouncer Mr. T invented a move so perilous that it is still spoken of with great admiration… that move is forever known as T Bagging.
• At his current pace, Mr. T will have pitied every man, woman and child ever born by the year 2012. At that point, he will descend to Hell, offer a final pity for “that fool Devil,” and ascend to take his rightful place as God’s bouncer.
• When Mr.T was on the price is right in 1979, he pitied Bob Barker, then he held the wheel still as he spun the world around it.
• Every night Mr. T prays: “God grant me the serenity to accept the fools I cannot pity, the courage to pity the fools I can, and some crazy chrome spinners.”
• Mr. T doesn’t care what Willis was talking about, it’s probably just a bunch of jibba jabba anyway.
• Upon Realizing how many lives it would take to defeat the Japanese in WWII, Gerneral McArthur sent Mr.T and Chuck Noris plane tickets to a Anime convention in Hiroshima. I think we all know what happened next.
• In the beginning, Mr. T created the heavens and the earth. And Mr. T said, “Let there be fools”; and there were fools. And Mr. T saw that the fools were bad; and pitied them.
• The Hummer can scale a 60 degree incline. Mr. T’s 1982 GMC van can do 115 degrees.
• According to Mr T only two languages exist: English and Jibba Jabba.
• Mr. T’s penis is so intimidating that it was offered a spot on the group of judges for American Idol. However, this offer was dropped because Simon Cowell didn’t want a bigger d*ck than he was at the judges table.
• The last time Mr. T took a dump and flushed it, people thought that there were alligators in the New York sewers.
• Mr. T has the ability to kick all forms of ass known to man, 11 forms of ass unknown to man and 3 forms of unknown ass unknown to Yoda. He uses this ability on an hourly basis.
• The only reason Mr. T is not Dr. T is because his thesis, entitled “Fools and Those Who Pity Them”, only had a photo of Mr. T with his arms crossed. After the faculty questioned this, they were found dead with their testicles in their eye sockets, even the women. His thesis is still yet to be marked.
• Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris once took a sh*t in the same toilet. The result was Rosie O’Donnell.
• If you could calculate the amount of pity generated by Mr. T every second, you could make infinity feel ashamed of being ridiculously small.
• When creating the alphabet, Mr. T placed the letters M, R, and T in seperate areas so people could learn to read and spell without fear.
• When Mr. T looks at a Magic-Eye illusion, the image changes into a crying child and it never changes back.
• A New Jersey doctor once attempted to remove a mole from Mr. T’s back. After 19 hours of surgery, the mole remains and the doctor has been left paralyzed from the neck up.
• Scientists don’t actually know how old Mr. T is they can only speculate. They will have to wait until he dies cut his penis in half and count the rings.
• There was a time when Mr. T didn’t pity fools. That time was called never.
• “Knock, Knock.” “Who’s there?” “Mr. T” “Shit.”
• Mr. T can tear glass. Phonebooks are for fools.
• Mr. T puts the ‘T’ in pity. Without the ‘T’ it would just be piy - and that’s just plain silly.

20 Fun Things To Do On An Elevator While Bored

Next time you’re on an elevator and feel alittle bored, liven up the moment with some of these insightful ideas. Guaranteed to make heads turn or your money back.

1. When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
4. Swat at flies that don’t exist.
5. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”
6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?”
7. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.
8. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.
9. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
10. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
11. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
12. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”
13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space!”
14. Fart loudly then exclaim “Was that you. There’s no way I could do that one because unfortately mine don’t come out loud.”
15. Before the elevator door opens shout “DING” and then laugh and say “beat you again Mr Elevator.”
16. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
17. Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger’s direction.
18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “that’s mine!”
19. Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”
20. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM!” and back away slowly.

Words Of Wisdom

Wisdom is best defined as the ability to judge what is true and right, to have common sense and good judgement. Unfortunately, there’s not much of that going aroud these days. Common sense just isn’t that common anymore. Here are some excellent words of wisdom, good judgment that comes from knowledge and experience in life.

• If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Your sole purpose in life may be to simply serve as a warning to others.
• It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
• People will accept your idea more readily, if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a few car payments.
• If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
• You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.
• If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again it was probably worth it.
• Life is what happens to you?when you’re making other plans.
• To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.
• Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.
• A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.
• Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
• Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
• Some days you’re the bug, other days you’re the windshield.
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
• Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
• The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle.

Funny Fortune Cookie Fortunes

One of the best things about eating Chinese food is the fortune cookie you get at the end of your meal. Often insightful, normally we get stuff like “You will succeed through your charm and personality.” Well, not today! Here are some funny (or unlucky) fortunes you hope you will (or never) open.

• Help! I’m being held prisoner inside a Chinese bakery.
• The ’special sauce’ came from (insert nasty here)!
• Guess what our special ‘drop’ was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!
• Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
• Only a fool would look to a cookie for words of wisdom.
• A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
• Your dog Sparky… well, he’s no longer missing.
• See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.
• You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
• Please don’t eat me. I love you.
• Good things are being said about you… in bed.
• MSG? No! Ebola Virus… maybe.

Homer Simpson’s Wisdom

The following are quotes picked out from??TV show. Homer, the father character in the cartoon, isn’t known for being particularly witty but we managed to put together some of his best?wisdom over the years. Kinda gives you a whole new respect for the “Doh!” guy.

• “If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
• “To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life’s problems!”
• “I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life: Number one, ‘Cover for me.’ Number two, ‘Oh, good idea, boss.’ Number three, ‘It was like that when I got here.’”
• “Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn’t - it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.”
• “Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”
• “Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. ‘Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.’”
• “Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.”
• “Stealing! How could you? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?
• We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?”
• “Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.”
• “I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, ‘The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.’”
• “Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.”
• “Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”
• “You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.”
• “Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”
• “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ’sir’ without adding, ‘you’re making a scene.’”