Archive for the ‘Misc Jokes’ Category

Fun things to do at a drive-thru

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.2. Ask prices of everything on the menu and then order something that you did not ask the price for.3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.4. Go to McDonald’s and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.9. Ask how they fit into that little box.10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said “May I take your order?”12. When asked if they can take your order say “Why, can I take yours?”13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That’s it.17. Don’t order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don’t break your stare.20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

Wise words from kids

Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him. - Michael, 14Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. - Michael, 14Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic tack. - Andrew, 9Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoto, 9You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armor, 9If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8 ‘

Just a head

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

50 Oxymorons

50. Act naturally49. Found missing48. Resident alien47. Advanced BASIC46. Genuine imitation45. Airline Food44. Good grief43. Same difference42. Almost exactly41. Government organization40. Sanitary landfill39. Alone together38. Legally drunk37. Silent scream36. British fashion35. Living dead34. Small crowd33. Business ethics32. Soft rock31. Butt Head30. Military Intelligence29. Software documentation28. New York culture27. New classic26. Sweet sorrow25. Childproof24. “Now, then …”23. Synthetic natural gas22. Christian Scientists21. Passive aggression20. Taped live19. Clearly misunderstood18. Peace force17. Extinct Life16. Temporary tax increase15. Computer jock14. Plastic glasses13. Terribly pleased12. Computer security11. Political science10. Tight slacks9. Definite maybe8. Pretty ugly7. Twelve-ounce pound cake6. Diet ice cream5. Rap music4. Working vacation3. Exact estimate2. Religious toleranceAnd the Number one top OXYMORON:1. Microsoft Works

To be a kid again

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:Decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo.”Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, “do over!”"Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest.Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly.Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.It wasn’t odd to have two or three “best” friends.Being old referred to anyone over 20.The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn’t matter.The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.It was magic when dad would “remove” his thumb.It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn’t an Olympic event.Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.Nobody was prettier than Mom.Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the “big people” rides at the amusement park.Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.Abilities were discovered because of a “double-dog-dare.”Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute ads for action figures.No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.”Oly-oly-oxen-free” made perfect sense.Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.War was a card game.Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

Funny Books: