Archive for the ‘marriage jokes’ Category

Marriage quotes 05

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. — Catch-22

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.

Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.

Feminists are OK, I just wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.

He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend’s wife’s brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.

Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. — Ken Dodd

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.

I am in total control, but don’t tell my wife.

Marriage quotes 06

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. — Dick Martin

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. — Tynan

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about ‘short’ and ‘cheap’? — Phyllis Diller

I’ve been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. — Chekhov

If you never want to see a man again, say, “I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children…” – they leave skid marks. — Rita Rudner

Marriage quotes 07

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don’t stand in her way.

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it’s curtains!

Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. — Rich Little

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which is never advisable. — Oscar Wilde

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

Man and wife make one fool.

Marriage quotes 08

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world’s greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give. — Cass Daley

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution–but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo…

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.

Marriage quotes 09

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege – only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. — John Lyly