Archive for the ‘family jokes’ Category

Fathers then & now

This is a joke for the Father’s Day.Best wishes for the fathers all over the world

Today is one of the first Father’s Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn’t have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, a father’s horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it’s the size of his minivan.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family’s head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that’s just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn’t touch Dad’s clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.

In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, “Wake up, it’s time for school.”
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: “Wake up, it’s time for hockey practice.”

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: “Jimmy’s at baseball, Cindy’s at gymnastics, I’m at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge.”

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons’ ears and shout, “WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE..”

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys ‘R’ Us, and the kid screams: “I wanted Sega!”

In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it’s Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.

In 1900, a Father’s Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he’ll get a digital organizer.

In 1900, fathers said, “A man’s home is his castle.”
Today, they say, “Welcome to the money pit.”

In 1900, “a good day at the market” meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, “a good day at the market” means Dad got in early on an IPO.

In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald’s.

In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father’s involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.

In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, “Dad, you’re invading my space.”

In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, “So…how long have you had that earring?”

In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.

In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.

he walked everywhere

This is a joke for the Father’s Day,would you remember your talking to your father in the childhood.

A young man comes home and says “Dad, just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.”

Father replies, :”O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we’ll see.”

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. “Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I’ve been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?”

Father replies, “That’s all true, but son you didn’t cut your hair.”

Son says, “But, dad, Jesus had long hair.”

Father replies, “Yes, son, you’re perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went.”

send me a card

This is a joke for the Father’s Day,Did you ever write to  your father in the childhood.

Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply �an’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

After receiving his son’s letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

“he s*** the bed and turned blue, miss”

“he s*** the bed and turned blue, miss”
Its the first day back after the holidays for the primary ones (first graders), and the teacher decides to ask each of the children to tell a small story about their fathers. so the teacher points to little katy and asks, “katy, what does your daddy work as?” and katy replies “my daddy’s an aircraft pilot, and he flies people all over the world and makes them very happy.” the teacher then asks little david what his daddy does. “my daddy is a postman, miss, and he delivers letters and parcels to people sent from all over the place, and he makes people happy.” the teacher turns to little susan and is about to ask the same question as the others, but susan suddenly bursts into tears. the teacher rushes over to console her. “whets wrong susan?” “my daddy is dead, miss” she replies. “aww…. i didn’t know that. i’m so sorry” “it’s ok” she choked out, through tears. “so tell me susan, what did your father do before he died?” “he s*** the bed and turned blue, miss”

The man enters a drugstore:

The man enters a drugstore:
– Give me a pack of condoms.- What size?- I do not know…- Well, take this board with holes, and go to the toilet and measure.In 10 minutes the man comes back:- I have changed my mind, I don’t need the condoms. How much is this board?