Archive for the ‘Dirty Jokes’ Category

where do breast occur

crack website organize a contest as a small Christmas gift to readers, the winner will be paid 50 U.S, the title sound strange, the requirement is to draw some “breast” of things, but usually they have no breasts.

It’s The Dog’s Fault, I Swear!

A young man has?a great date planned with a hot chick, unfortunately he’s?also got a bad?case of gas. Upon arriving at?the girl’s?house to pick her up, he meets the parents and waits for her in the living room while she finishes getting ready.

At this point his stomach is turning and he’s doing the best he can to hold his gas. This is some serious stuff?too, beer?and beef burrito farts – the stuff dreams are made of. Luckily, just before he was about to explode Spot, the family dog, jumps on his lap as he sits on the couch. He?figures?it’s?safe to let out alittle?bit of the pressure and and if anyone notices they’ll think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, “Spot, get down from there.” The guy thinks to himself, “Thank God! They think the dog did it.” Seizing the opportunity, he?lets out?another fart and the woman, again, yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a few more farts when, finally, the woman yells loudly, “Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you!”

Stranded Sailors

Now, I’m thankful for the service of our Armed Forces, God Bless the men and women in the Army, Air Force, Marines and Navy. Oh yea, speaking of Navy – one of my friends is a sailor – boy do I know why they’ve got a rep for having bad mouths, hehe. Seriously though, when this joke was sent in I thought of him. Bacon. Yea, what a nickname…

A ship with 30 sailors and one woman sinks just off shore of a deserted island.

After being stranded for one month, the woman says “I can not proceed in this manner,” and commits suicide.

One month later, the sailors say “We can not proceed in this manner,” and they bury the woman.

After another month, the sailors say “We can not proceed in this manner,” and they dig up the woman.

Golfing With A Hitman

Three friends were playing golf one beautiful Sunday morning, as usual, and they never missed a weekend. As one of them was about to take the first tee a guy, by himself, asked if he could join their flight. The friends looked at each other and figured “sure, why not,” as they haven’t played with anyone else in quite some time.

So they teed off and all four were getting along pretty well. Right about the turn, on the 9th hole, they were all chit chatting and getting to know one another. Curious, one of the friends asked the new guy what he did for a living and, funny enough, he told them he was a hitman. They all kind of laughed it off, and asked him again – this time seriously.

The stranger said “No really, I’m hitman. My gun is in my golf bag, I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you don’t believe me, I’ve never been dishonest.”

So one of the guys in the group decided to take him up on the offer and, opening the bag, sure enough revealed a really nice rifle with huge scope mounted at the top. He got all excited about it. He said “WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look through it?”

“Sure,” said the stranger.

So the man looked around for a second and said “HELL YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. Sweet! Isn’t she beautiful? WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! He’s naked too! And he’s in my room!”

This upset the golfer, terribly, so he asked the hitman how much he would charge for a hit. The hit man replied “It’s $1000 every time I pull the trigger.” The man said “$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Then I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the crotch, for screwing around with my wife.”

The hit man agrees, gears up and takes aim through the scope. He’s looking for what has to be 10 minutes. The golfer begins to get impatient and asks the hitman what he’s waiting for. The hitman replies kind of anxiously, “Just hold on a minute… I’m about to save you a thousand bucks!”

An Elderly Couple Finally Tying The Knot

An elderly couple had been dating each other for 30 years and, at the urging of their friends and family, the finally decided it was time to get married. But first, they agreed they should work out the details of how their marriage was going to be, as to avoid any let downs or misunderstandings.

So the older couple went out to a nice dinner and had a long conversation about how their marriage is going to work. They discussed living arrangements, finances and other important stuff. Finally, the older gentleman decided it was time to bring up the subject of their physical relationship.

“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly yet intrigued.

“Well,” she said, trying to choose her words carefully, “I’d have to say… I would like it infrequently.”

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked… “Is that one word or two?”