Archive for the ‘Computer jokes’ Category

A single computer genius create a robot girlfriend for himself

A Canadan computer wizard create a perfect robot girlfriend according to his own standards.The inventor’ name is Le Trung,he is 33 years old this year.Because he is deovted himself to career, now he is singe.
Le Trung call the female robot Aiko,she is in early twenties with a beautiful hair, delicate facial features and 32,23,33 of the devil figure. She can even remember Wu Rene favorite drink, she is able to do a simple cleaning and domestic work, the female robot is good at mathematics, identify people,read the newspaper aloud, give direction for others. Le Wu said he really did not make Aiko designed as a sex doll, but as long as he gave a little improvement, Aiko will be able to have such this function.
After reading the news,I remind a funny film which describe some men use TV control to make their wife become “perfect”wife.But that is a film,but this is a real invention.

Speech-Recognition Demo

At a recent Sacramento PC User’s Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, “Format C: Return.”

Someone else chimed in,”Yes, Return”

Unfortunately, the software worked.

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go toa computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.”Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After abrief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:”You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water.Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks.”Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:”Your tap water is too hard.Get a water softener.Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.Your daughter is using cocaine.Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.They aren’t yours.Get a lawyer.And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”

If Microsoft made cars

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.” In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought “Car95″ or “CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.9. The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.13. You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.

12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts

12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts:1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.3) I will get dressed before noon.4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.7) I will read a book…if I still remember how.8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime … and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Funny Books: