Have you ever wondered?
- Can you cry under water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
- Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
- Why do you have to “put your two cents in”…but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
- Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- What did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
- Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON television?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Alcohol Consumption Warning
- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
- The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
- The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
- The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
- The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your behind kicked.
- The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.
- The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
- The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
- The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
Thirteen Automobile Acronyms
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix It Again, Tony!
Thursday Thirteen – You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When…
*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you
*You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked
*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
*You sleep with your eyes open
*You have to watch videos in fast-forward
*You lick your coffee pot clean
*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
*You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
*You can jump-start your car without cables
*Your only sources of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low”
*You don’t sweat, you percolate
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