Archive for the ‘celebrity jokes’ Category

Jackson Trial Not Long Enough

Current Proceedings ‘Not Long Enough,’ News Outlets Argue

On the eve of closing arguments in the Michael Jackson child-molestation trial, a coalition of the major all-news networks has asked the judge in the case for a new trial, claiming that the current legal proceedings were “not long enough.”

A spokesperson for the networks, Peter Fendell, held a press conference on Thursday to state the cable news outlets’ position that the current trial had given “short shrift” to the key issues in the case.

“Unless there is another, longer trial, preferably one that lasts until May sweeps in 2007, justice will not be served,” Mr. Fendell said.

He said that a longer trial would allow more time to focus on the lurid sexual details of the case, which he said had been “glossed over.”

He added that, in addition to being “too quick and cursory,” the current Jackson trial was marred by the insufficient number and quality of celebrity witnesses.

“Instead of Jay Leno, George Lopez and Macaulay Culkin, in a new trial we would like to see Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Johnny Depp,” he said.

In response to the networks’ request, the judge in the case, Superior Court Judge Rodney S. Melville, issued a terse response: “If the networks think Michael Jackson is getting another trial, they must be on crack,” adding, “They might as well ask for O.J. Simpson to have another trial.”

“We’ll settle for that,” Mr. Fendell replied.

Jesus mans the gate

One day Saint Peter came down with a terrible cold and had to call Jesus and say that he couldn’t make it to work at the Pearly Gates. Jesus, being short on help, decided he would guard the Pearly Gates himself. It turned out to be a very uneventful day at the gate, with hardly a soul coming by to call.

Then, late in the afternoon, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane. As the man neared, he said,
“Good afternoon. I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven.”

“Well,” said Jesus, “tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?”

“Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself,” said the man, “but my son, now he was special! I raised him to be a carpenter and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he’s known throughout the world and loved by all alike.”

As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, “Father!”

Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and said, “Pinochio!”

Jockstrap Boys

A new look for the Backstreet Boys

Submitted by: Julia

Note: Our “Send this Joke to A Friend” email thingy doesn’t transmit pictures. But if you see this in email, you can click on the link above!

Kennedy, Bono and???

Investigating the two skiing deaths that occurred so closely to each other, authorities found this note:

StoP tHE LogGInG oR WE WilL coNTinUE To KiLL OnE CelEBriTy EaCH WeEK!!!

Letter to Dr. Laura

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Funny Books: